One semester down

Finally, my first semester as a PhD student is over! The final result: 3 A's and one B plus. The first B of my graduate career, I might add. Not that I'm surprised. In fact, I'm glad to have done that well! I won't get into details, but let's just say that the final exam (and the whole class) made me feel dumb, when I haven't felt dumb in years.. well, at least not in school. I spent hours and hours every weekend on this class and still screwed everything up! Now here's my attempt at deflecting responsibility: 1) the professor sucked, 2)the course moved way too fast through the latter half of the semester, where the material was the most challenging, 3) the class needed to be taught in a computer lab and wasn't except for a few times, 4)I was sick during the week when the new material was first presented and missed 2 classes, so I was at at disadvantage. So, as you can clearly see, it was not at all my fault that I didn't do well.

And now I am rewarded with a much-needed 4-week break; a break that is not so much refreshing as it is frustrating. It's just long enough that I can completely forget about school and and let all of information I jammed in my brain this semester seep out, but not nearly long enough that I get to the point of missing it. Rather, just when I'm starting to realize how much I enjoy NOT going to school, it is almost time to force myself to get back into my masochistic routine of sleeping and eating too little,driving too much, and eschewing all of the other demands in my life (e.g. house cleaning, personal hygiene, marital responsibilities, and income-generating work) for the sake of this one academic goal that somehow is supposed to be worth all the trouble. There is no turning back now. I'm going to do this. I'm just not always going to do it with a smile on my face.

Quarterlife crisis

One of the more interesting aspects of being a doctoral student is having to adopt a teacher persona after so many years of only being a student. It's particularly strange because my students are only 3-7 years younger than I am, and still being a student myself, I can relate to them pretty well, I think. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, though. On one hand, they probably feel more comfortable (I certainly don't think I'm intimidating anyone) and I think I am better able to make decisions about the expectations I should have because it was not so long ago that I was an undergrad. On the other hand, it's pretty hard for me to feel confident and command the attention of the room.

As close in age as we are, however, I am keenly aware of the many differences between me and these legal adults who are still so childlike. It makes me feel very old. Until this year, I have not ever felt old. I looked forward to every birthday and the increased maturity and respect that would come with them. Not this year. Instead, I'd like to go back to 21 or even 18 when responsibilities were few and fun and excitement was around every corner.

At the beginning of this year, I couldn't wait to be 30 (don't ask me why). Now, I feel like I'm inching closer and closer to geriatric status every minute. Why the change? I can only blame the undergrads I'm surrounded by on campus, with their babyfaced complexions and their leggings, UGG boots, and Northfaces. They remind me that that chapter of my life is over; that even though I might be able to get away with rocking the UGG boots, I probably can't pull off half of the styles that they do, and I will never have the kind of youthful beauty that only comes from being at the peak of fertility, yet another thing that is wasted on the young. For me, it's all pretty much downhill from here.

Of course, getting older isn't all gloom and doom. There are lots of reasons I'm glad to be where I am in my life, rather than where they are. For one, I can buy my own alcohol. For another, I don't get hungover after drinking said alcohol because I'm not stupid anymore. I can also write grammatically correct sentences and discern the difference between a dorito and a vegetable. More on that later.

Quick update

So, I never have time to blog as it turns out. But here are the thoughts I'm having about post-graduate education right now:

1. This is where I belong. I finally feel like I am surrounded by people who are at or above my level when it comes to reasoning skills. I realize this makes me sound arrogant, but it's just how it is. I spent the last 20 years in school bored out of my mind, doodling in my notebook while the teacher explained something painfully obvious to my cerebrally challenged classmates. Now, my classes involve intellectually stimulating discussion and challenging questions. Imagine that! I'm learning so much and it is fantastic. I do realize that this makes me a big nerd.

2. Cancer epidemiology is enthralling. It's ironic because when I applied to Yale, I was so mad that they didn't have any faculty members with research interests in obesity prevention. They closest I found was one woman who did research in nutritional epidemiology of cancer. I thought that sounded tedious. I wanted nothing to do with it (though I lied and said it was my passion in my personal statement.. not that it matters, I didn't get it anyway). But now I am finding it to be so fascinating! I am even applying to attend a week-long seminar on nutrition and cancer prevention at the National Cancer Institute during my spring break. Sadly, I am more excited about this than I would be about going on a beach vacation! Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. I'd rather go somewhere tropical, truth be told. But, I am excited nonetheless!

3. I'm not sure all of this excitement and learning is good for me. I can't seem to shut my mind off ever. I am always working on something for school or thinking about what I have to do. Even when I'm sitting on the couch watching a favorite tv show and "relaxing," I'm usually missing half the show because I am simulataneously reading a text book or searching PubMed. I lay awake at night for an hour or more unable to fall asleep. I need a break. I need a vacation more than anything. But I will have to wait about 8 more weeks.

I miss sleep

So much for updating the blog daily. I'll be lucky if I can write once per week! I have more homework than I know what to do with, and with the long commutes, there simply aren't enough hours in the day. And I am exhausted! This week has been particularly rough because my husband, Steve, is away on a business trip. I don't sleep very well when he's not around to begin with but because this was the first time I've had to be alone in a house (as opposed to an apartment), it simply isn't possible for me to relax enough. The first night he was gone, after laying in bed for an hour with the light on and startling at every little noise I heard, I gave up and went to sleep at my in-laws', where I've been sleeping every night since. But I'm still falling asleep late and then having to get up at 5:00. I don't know how I got through high school on five hours of sleep a night because I feel like I'm dying.

Thankfully, tomorrow is Friday and I can stay in bed until whenever I want! And Steve is coming home tomorrow. I'm so excited it feels like Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, my sister-in-law, whose bed I've taken over this week, is coming home from college for the weekend. So tonight my options are to sleep on a couch with the comforting illusion of safety provided by being in the company of others, or to sleep in my warm, spacious bed that I miss so much with paranoid delusions of boogeymen coming to get me. It's kind of a gamble. Not sure what I'm going to decide.

One day down..a few hundred or so to go

My first official day as a doctoral student began at 5:30 this morning when the alarm went off. I left the house at 7:10, and arrived on campus to pick up my parking permit around 8:45. Thankfully, the weather was beautiful today so I didn't even mind the 15 minute walk to my first class, on the complete opposite end of campus from the one parking lot I'm allowed to park in, which is not really close to anything at all. Here is a run-down of the rest of the day. I have included some random pictures from around campus (and one scenic view from just off the highway) that I took with my phone.

9:30-10:45- Data Management and Statistical Computing. The instructor seems nice enough, but it's going to be a dry class. During introductions, I learned that my fellow classmates are quite diverse. They came from many different countries, including China, India, Turkey, and a number of African nations. Very cool!




11:15-12:30- Cancer epidemiology. Small class in a conference room. I think it will be fascinating! We got a 45-minute lecture today and I was hardly bored at all.

Break until 2:30- Went to the campus center to grab lunch. The place was swarming with people! I could hardly move, and the lines for food were ridiculous. I ultimately decided to get some tofu, broccoli, and brown rice from an asian restaurant. It was okay, but not really what I wanted. I'm going to have to figure out something better to do for lunches because I can't be spending $6 a day on food.

2:30-3:45- Psychology of Persuasion. Another really interesting course. Unfortunately, I'm on the waiting list, so I might not actually be able to take it if not enough people drop it.

4:00-5:15- Research Methods in Nutrition. I really like this professor for some reason. He's an older man with white hair, small oval glasses, and a bit of a Santa belly. But he's cute in this weird, grandfatherly way. This class is very small, too. 7 students, I think.

I left campus at 5:30 and made it home by 7:10. I hit no traffic at all, which was a big relief! Now I have just a little bit of time to relax and watch some TV. Then I'm headed to bed so I can get up and back on the road early tomorrow! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't wondering how long I can keep this up.

TA Orientation

Today I went to an orientation for my new position as a TA at UMASS. The day included a number of workshops on teaching strategies. Despite the fact that I feel completely overwhelmed by the thought of having to stand at the front of a classroom and command the attention of 30ish underslept (is that a word?) and probably hungover college students who couldn't care less about nutrition, I am actually just a little excited to try my hand at this whole teaching thing.

Until now, I have always had zero desire to teach anyone anything, ever. I have always said that the LAST thing I'd ever want to be is a teacher. Give me my own space, a computer, and some data and I'm happy. I usually prefer not to interact much with other people, especially in a capacity where I am providing some sort of service to them. Granted, teaching college students isn't exactly the same as flipping burgers at Mickey D's, but still, people are paying for something and I have to give it to them. Although they are not traditionally treated as such, students are customers.

Add to this my distaste for the sound of my own voice and aversion to being the center of attention, and it becomes pretty clear that I might not be well-suited to a teaching role. On the other hand, teachers do have pretty nice work schedules.

The speakers I had the fortune to hear today actually made me think twice about teaching. Perhaps I shouldn't write it off as a possible career choice after all. These instructors really knew what they were doing. And they made it sound like the experience of teaching could be interesting, exciting, and rewarding. Maybe I could do this. Maybe I would even enjoy it! Of course, these instructors were much more vibrant and charismatic than I could ever hope to be. Although they make it look easy, I have a feeling it will be much more difficult for me to keep people awake, nevermind get them to learn anything!

Now, my mind is racing with so many ideas. I'm not the most organized person, so it will be a challenge for me to organize them into a plan I can follow. My first official day as a TA is next Wednesday, September 16th. Hopefully I will feel prepared by then.

Introduction

Hello and welcome to "Becoming Dr. Doughty," the blog where I will chronicle my experience pursuing, and hopefully obtaining a PhD. If you don't know me, here is a little bit of background: My name is Kim, I'm 24 years old and starting a PhD program in nutrition at UMASS Amherst. I am married and just bought a house in New Haven, CT, and yes, I'm commuting an hour and 45 minutes each way to school. I have been married for 3 years (since I was 21). The last 2 statements alone should tell you that I am clearly an anomaly (i.e. out of my mind). I have a Bachelor's degree in nutrition and just finished (sort of.. that's another story altogether) a Master's program in public health.

In less than one week, I will enter my 19th year of formal education and attend my first class as a doctoral student. I will also be a teaching assistant (TA) at UMASS, leading 2 discussion groups for a basic nutrition class comprised mostly of freshmen and sophomores who, based on the reports of other TAs, have entered legal adulthood without ever having become even minimally self-reliant. I will also be working very part-time as a research assistant at a research center where I've been employed for the past 2 years. Unfortunately, neither of these jobs pays well and so it remains to be seen whether this new mortgage payment will be the financial death of my husband and me or not.

And so this is an exciting yet terrifying time of my life. I hope my account of this experience can be an inspiration, or more likely a cautionary tale, for others considering this path.