"I've never been a good test taker"

I hear this phrase a lot from people. I've never said it, though. Not to brag, but I've always been a really good test taker! I was one of those people who could "study" by perusing a text book 5 minutes before the exam and get an A. I think for the most part I can still get away with doing that. Though, after the exam I took this week, I'm not so sure. More on that after grades are posted...

Most people dread exams, but if I'm being completely honest, I actually enjoy them. Truly. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think that receiving any kind of evaluation is somehow thrilling to me. Whether it's taking a test, handing in a paper, auditioning for a play, or getting a performance review at work; in all cases, there is nervous anticipation of performing, followed by an individual's critique of your performance and a "score" that tells you exactly how well you did. Let's face it, despite what some people claim, we all care what others think of us. To get a good grade, score, or review is self-affirming. It boosts our egos in a way that other things just can't. On the other hand, there is little more crushing than a bad review.

Some of my most memorable moments- for good or bad- have been related to some kind of evaluation. When I was in 4th grade, I took my first standardized test at school. When I (or my mom?) opened the envelope bearing the results that came in the mail, my heartbeat quickened. Did I do well? Was I smarter than my fellow 9-year-olds or not? How did I measure up? When I found out that I scored in the 99th percentile, I felt AMAZING! Not only was I smart, but I was really smart! Gifted, even! Justified or not, my little head filled with lots of hot air that day. I have experienced the same euphoria after receiving college acceptance letters, other test scores, feedback from teachers ("You are a great writer, Kim!"), and compliments from friends and family who have tasted the meals I've made ("Oh my God, this is so good! You must give me the recipe!") .

Unfortunately, an inflated head can be just as easily deflated with a few unfavorable evaulations. I remember those feelings just as clearly, elicited by rejection letters, low test scores (yes, I've had a few), ignored job applications, and these days unfunded grant proposals.

As a teaching assistant, I am now being exposed to a whole new world of evaluations. I am now providing students with feedback on their assignments regularly, and at the end of the semester... they are evaluating me. Although the university doesn't make TAs do course evaluations, I really wanted to know what the students thought of the discussions and my teaching, so I created one on surveymonkey.com for them to do. I did this last semester, too. I thought I did a much better job this semester, but I still got a mix of responses.

Here are some of the good ones from last semester:

"Kim was able to clear up any confusion about the material presented in
class"

"I liked that you tried to make the discussion groups interactive"

And some of the bad:

"I thought that the discussion was boring at times"

"It seemed like the TA didn't want to be there"

and my favorite:

"It felt like it was a waste of time. Never caught my attention, extremely boring. Kim rarely spoke and when she did she put me to sleep"

Overall, though, most students gave relatively good ratings to some of the statements I asked them to rate how strongly they agreed/disagreed with.

Now this semester, I changed a lot about how I ran the discussions and I felt more confident in front of the classroom, so I was expecting better responses.. and I think the positive ones were MORE positive, but there were still a few comments that were a little rough. And, although the average ratings were slightly higher, there were actually a few more "strongly disagrees." What really shocked me was that 2 people strongly disagreed with the statements "The TA for this class interacts well with students/treats students with respect" and "grades work fairly, consistently, and in a timely manner." Umm.. what?! I know I'm not the best teacher in the world, but I certainly try to treat students with respect. And I was more than fair with grading. The only people who did poorly were the ones who never came to class and didn't put any effort whatsoever into the assignments. I even let them re-do one of the assignments if they didn't like their grade. I guess you really can't please everyone.

Most of the negative write-in comments didn't have much to do with me, but more the assignments (which I didn't come up with), the other students, or the schedule. One student said s/he "felt bad eating a big mac after." I can live with that. But there were two that reflected on me specifically:

"I thought that the actual discussion was not too helpful"

"I thought that the TA was a bit condescending. I understand that many
people in the discussion section were not prepared and didn't seem to care,
but there are some people who do care and are there to learn. I think that
it is the TA's job to treat everyone like an intelligent student."

Yikes! I certainly don't remember doing or saying anything that would have come across as condescending, but I feel horrible that I inadvertently made at least one student feel that way. I think there may have been a couple times where I tried to be funny or something and maybe that was interpreted as being condescending... I don't know but this comment will definitely be in my head for a long time.

On the plus side, there were lots of positive comments that almost make up for that:

"The TA seemed to enjoy the topic and know what she was talking about. She
was very approachable and graded assignments fairly."

"Kim was very compassionate and cared about what she taught. She made things
that were not clear in lecture easier to understand."

"It was always something different. Never the same or boring."

"Discussion was way better and more interesting than class (lecture)."

"Good job Kim. You made the course engaging and a great learning experience
for me."

I am definitely learning a lot from them, too.

The finals are coming!

I don't have time to be witty or come up with some interesting "theme" to discuss at length today, but I thought I should give a little attention to this blog for a change. So, a quick update on what's going on in the life of this PhD students these days. Tomorrow is the last day of classes for the semester. I've already given presentations for 2 classes-one on inositol for the treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome, the other a group presentation on the soy/breast cancer debate, so the only big project I have left to do is a 5-6 page paper which is due Thursday. Unfortunately, I also have my most challenging final on Thursday. I have not started the paper nor have I started studying for the exam. Each task could easily consume the better part of two days, but I only have 1 1/2 days to do both. I'm also trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for the summer class I need to take, without adding to the amount I owe in student loans, which rivals the national debt at this point. On the plus side, though, I really do enjoy (almost) each and every day I am in school. There's nothing I'd rather be doing right now. Well... except maybe being the stay-at-home wife of multimillionaire.

Semester #2: So far, so good!

I think this semester is going to be MUCH better than last semester. For one thing, I have no really long days and will not get home later than 4:30. Here's what my week looks like:

Mondays: TA discussion groups 10:10-11:00 and 11:15-12:05 and DONE
Tuesdays: 3 classes 9:30-2:15 with 2 short breaks
Wednesdays: Home (studying)
Thursdays: Same as Tuesdays
Fridays: Home (work for PRC)

I couldn't imagine a better schedule. At first, I thought that I would prefer getting all my commuting done in 3 consecutive days and having 4 days off, but I think having Wednesday off in between is actually going to be a wonderful thing. It gives me a day to catch up on homework and sleep so I'm not so stressed out and exhausted by the end of the week.

On top of that, 2 of my 3 classes are really interesting and 1 is mildly interesting. This is compared to last semester, where 1 class was really interesting, 1 was very dull, and 1 induced suicidal thoughts.

And things are going just as well with the PRC (Prevention Research Center). I've been working strictly on writing and editing manuscripts (research articles for academic journals) and I LOVE it. Not only does this allow me to acquire publications to add to my resume, but it is intellectually stimulating to boot. I am learning a great deal about the topics of these papers (such as the relationship between cardiovascular disease and diet and the numerous health effects of cocoa), and honing my writing skills at the same time.

And the best part is that I don't even have to get dressed up and drive 30 minutes to Derby to do it! I can either stay in my pajamas and work at my kitchen table, or go to a local coffee shop (Common Grounds in Branford and Panera Bread have become my favorites). I am starting to understand the appeal of a public location as a work site. There is something about the background noise, the music, the aromas, that puts me in a good mood and helps me focus on what I'm doing. I can't help but laugh at myself, though, and recall this scene from Family Guy.

One semester down

Finally, my first semester as a PhD student is over! The final result: 3 A's and one B plus. The first B of my graduate career, I might add. Not that I'm surprised. In fact, I'm glad to have done that well! I won't get into details, but let's just say that the final exam (and the whole class) made me feel dumb, when I haven't felt dumb in years.. well, at least not in school. I spent hours and hours every weekend on this class and still screwed everything up! Now here's my attempt at deflecting responsibility: 1) the professor sucked, 2)the course moved way too fast through the latter half of the semester, where the material was the most challenging, 3) the class needed to be taught in a computer lab and wasn't except for a few times, 4)I was sick during the week when the new material was first presented and missed 2 classes, so I was at at disadvantage. So, as you can clearly see, it was not at all my fault that I didn't do well.

And now I am rewarded with a much-needed 4-week break; a break that is not so much refreshing as it is frustrating. It's just long enough that I can completely forget about school and and let all of information I jammed in my brain this semester seep out, but not nearly long enough that I get to the point of missing it. Rather, just when I'm starting to realize how much I enjoy NOT going to school, it is almost time to force myself to get back into my masochistic routine of sleeping and eating too little,driving too much, and eschewing all of the other demands in my life (e.g. house cleaning, personal hygiene, marital responsibilities, and income-generating work) for the sake of this one academic goal that somehow is supposed to be worth all the trouble. There is no turning back now. I'm going to do this. I'm just not always going to do it with a smile on my face.

Quarterlife crisis

One of the more interesting aspects of being a doctoral student is having to adopt a teacher persona after so many years of only being a student. It's particularly strange because my students are only 3-7 years younger than I am, and still being a student myself, I can relate to them pretty well, I think. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, though. On one hand, they probably feel more comfortable (I certainly don't think I'm intimidating anyone) and I think I am better able to make decisions about the expectations I should have because it was not so long ago that I was an undergrad. On the other hand, it's pretty hard for me to feel confident and command the attention of the room.

As close in age as we are, however, I am keenly aware of the many differences between me and these legal adults who are still so childlike. It makes me feel very old. Until this year, I have not ever felt old. I looked forward to every birthday and the increased maturity and respect that would come with them. Not this year. Instead, I'd like to go back to 21 or even 18 when responsibilities were few and fun and excitement was around every corner.

At the beginning of this year, I couldn't wait to be 30 (don't ask me why). Now, I feel like I'm inching closer and closer to geriatric status every minute. Why the change? I can only blame the undergrads I'm surrounded by on campus, with their babyfaced complexions and their leggings, UGG boots, and Northfaces. They remind me that that chapter of my life is over; that even though I might be able to get away with rocking the UGG boots, I probably can't pull off half of the styles that they do, and I will never have the kind of youthful beauty that only comes from being at the peak of fertility, yet another thing that is wasted on the young. For me, it's all pretty much downhill from here.

Of course, getting older isn't all gloom and doom. There are lots of reasons I'm glad to be where I am in my life, rather than where they are. For one, I can buy my own alcohol. For another, I don't get hungover after drinking said alcohol because I'm not stupid anymore. I can also write grammatically correct sentences and discern the difference between a dorito and a vegetable. More on that later.

Quick update

So, I never have time to blog as it turns out. But here are the thoughts I'm having about post-graduate education right now:

1. This is where I belong. I finally feel like I am surrounded by people who are at or above my level when it comes to reasoning skills. I realize this makes me sound arrogant, but it's just how it is. I spent the last 20 years in school bored out of my mind, doodling in my notebook while the teacher explained something painfully obvious to my cerebrally challenged classmates. Now, my classes involve intellectually stimulating discussion and challenging questions. Imagine that! I'm learning so much and it is fantastic. I do realize that this makes me a big nerd.

2. Cancer epidemiology is enthralling. It's ironic because when I applied to Yale, I was so mad that they didn't have any faculty members with research interests in obesity prevention. They closest I found was one woman who did research in nutritional epidemiology of cancer. I thought that sounded tedious. I wanted nothing to do with it (though I lied and said it was my passion in my personal statement.. not that it matters, I didn't get it anyway). But now I am finding it to be so fascinating! I am even applying to attend a week-long seminar on nutrition and cancer prevention at the National Cancer Institute during my spring break. Sadly, I am more excited about this than I would be about going on a beach vacation! Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. I'd rather go somewhere tropical, truth be told. But, I am excited nonetheless!

3. I'm not sure all of this excitement and learning is good for me. I can't seem to shut my mind off ever. I am always working on something for school or thinking about what I have to do. Even when I'm sitting on the couch watching a favorite tv show and "relaxing," I'm usually missing half the show because I am simulataneously reading a text book or searching PubMed. I lay awake at night for an hour or more unable to fall asleep. I need a break. I need a vacation more than anything. But I will have to wait about 8 more weeks.

I miss sleep

So much for updating the blog daily. I'll be lucky if I can write once per week! I have more homework than I know what to do with, and with the long commutes, there simply aren't enough hours in the day. And I am exhausted! This week has been particularly rough because my husband, Steve, is away on a business trip. I don't sleep very well when he's not around to begin with but because this was the first time I've had to be alone in a house (as opposed to an apartment), it simply isn't possible for me to relax enough. The first night he was gone, after laying in bed for an hour with the light on and startling at every little noise I heard, I gave up and went to sleep at my in-laws', where I've been sleeping every night since. But I'm still falling asleep late and then having to get up at 5:00. I don't know how I got through high school on five hours of sleep a night because I feel like I'm dying.

Thankfully, tomorrow is Friday and I can stay in bed until whenever I want! And Steve is coming home tomorrow. I'm so excited it feels like Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, my sister-in-law, whose bed I've taken over this week, is coming home from college for the weekend. So tonight my options are to sleep on a couch with the comforting illusion of safety provided by being in the company of others, or to sleep in my warm, spacious bed that I miss so much with paranoid delusions of boogeymen coming to get me. It's kind of a gamble. Not sure what I'm going to decide.