...aaaand there it goes

"It" being my emotional stability. At approximately 2:45pm today, I reached my breaking point. At that moment, all of the stress that had been building up over the last 5 weeks finally pushed its way through the facade of poise and control that normally covers my face, exploding in a flood of tears that poured uncontrollably from my eyes.

When I arrived at my 2:30 meeting with the instructor for the class I TA, there was no indication that I was on the verge of a breakdown, and yet, moments later there I was falling to pieces in front of my superior. It was, to say the least, a mortifying overreaction to a relatively simple request. I was asked to take on a small responsibility that would require a modest increase in the time I have to spend on campus. Nothing to cry about, for sure. But it was the proverbial "last straw" for me. Although I do love what I do-- as a student and as a TA-- my free time is severely diminished as a result of this choice I've made. I am just not terribly good at juggling the demands of work, school, and home, and the result is a very high toll on my mental and physical health. I feel overwhelmed and burnt out, after only a month.

Why am I sharing this? I guess because I want to provide an accurate picture (gritty as it may be) of my grad school experience. Although the positives ultimately outweigh the negatives, I have to describe both sides. Today, I woke up feeling like I needed to sleep 10 more hours, drove for 2 hours with a pounding headache, had rain soak through my moccasins, and broke down crying. But tomorrow will be a better day.

Why I am doing this

(Image copyright Jorge Cham: http://www.phdcomics.com)

In my last post, I lamented the impending chaos that the new semester would bring and at the end I posed a rhetorical question- to myself, I suppose- "Why am I doing this again?" Now in my third week of classes, I remember.

My assessment of the sacrifices involved with grad school was completely accurate. As I write this, my eyelids are heavy from too many nights with too little sleep and my mind is racing with thoughts of things that need doing. My shoulder aches from bearing the weight of my overstuffed messenger bag and my calves are tight from running uphill across campus only to be late to class nonetheless. Not to mention the pains in my bank account owing to thrice weekly gas tank fill-ups, textbook purchases, plus a $250 parking permit and a $175 software program.

Despite these nuisances, I cannot pretend to be unhappy with my choice. The costs are great, but the rewards are even greater. Although I do expect my degree to pay off financially in the long run, it is not the promise of eventual monetary dividends that keep me motivated from day-to-day. I much prefer instant gratification, so the rewards I speak of are immediate, though (unfortunately) not in the form of income.

So what, then, makes it all worthwhile? It's the feeling of belonging I get when I leave my car in the morning and enter this other world, separate from my home life, where my only responsibility is to share knowledge- to learn from some and teach others. Although it can be dull at times, it is usually interesting and exciting. The feeling of discovering a new way to look at something, or mastering a new skill is almost as great as the feeling of being a part of a community of like-minded but diverse individuals. I have met so many amazing people in graduate school; people I don't think I would have met anywhere else.

But what is perhaps most rewarding for me is the experience of being a TA. There are, of course, moments when my voice puts them to sleep, but there are also many moments when they become engaged in a discussion that pushes them intellectually or a debate that challenges them to try to see a different point of view. These are the moments that shape who they are and help to determine the choices they will make in their careers and their personal lives. And I am fortunate enough to have the opportunity to play a small role in that. What could be better?

How I spent my summer vacation

It's the end of another summer, and year 2 of my doctoral studies is about to begin. I can't believe how fast it's going by already. Usually at this point in the summer, I am ready to go back, but this time I am really sad to see it end. I have had more fun this summer than I have since high school.

For one thing, I have been extraordinarily fortunate to be able to continue working part-time at the PRC (~20 hours/week) according to my own schedule and from my personal laptop. So during the workweek, an average day has gone something like this:

7:00am- wake up

7:00- 8:00- Eat a leisurely breakfast, read the paper, watch Good Morning America

8:00-9:15- Straighten up the house, shower, get dressed

9:15- Leave for my favorite coffee shop (Blue State Coffee in New Haven)

9:30- 12:00- Work, drink iced tea, maybe chat with some of the regulars

12:00-12:30- Take a lunch break

12:30-2:00- Work some more

2:00- 4:00- Some combination of grocery shopping, clothes shopping, manicure (on Fridays)

4:00- 7:00- Get home, go on facebook, blog, eat, make dinner for Steve

7:00- 11:00 - Clean up from dinner, watch TV with Steve, go to bed

It doesn't get much better than this! On the weekends, we go to nice dinners, have drinks, go the casino and stay out until 3am because I don't have to worry too much about messing up my sleep schedule. And the best part of the summer was definitely our trip to Vegas at the end of July. Nonstop fun all day and all night. I have been such the serious student for so long now that I think I forgot how to even have fun, and I have spent this summer relearning.

So, it is with reluctance that I am now preparing for the new school year to start. Next week, I have 2 TA orientations to go to on separate days, and the following week classes start. This semester is also going to be a very busy and challenging one, I think. In contrast to my summer schedule above, this is what a typical day will look like for me after next week:

5:00am - Wake up (I use this term loosely)

5:00-5:45- Eat a not-as-leisurely breakfast, read the paper, watch the news (no GMA!)

5:45- 7:00- Try to clean up, but not do a great job because I'll be rushing, shower, get dressed and leave

7:00-8:45- Drive, drive, drive some more.. and try not to fall asleep

8:45- Park, walk a million miles to class

9:00- 1:10- Go to classes, shove some food down my throat when I can

1:30-3:20- Teach discussion sections

3:20- 5:00 (or later, depending on traffic)- Drive home

5:00- 5:30- Probably stop at the store because I inevitably will need something

5:30- 8:30- Eat something, do homework and/or grade papers

8:30-10:00- Try to watch TV while simultaneously reading a textbook

10:00- 11:00- Try to sleep, but toss and turn because I'm thinking about everything I didn't accomplish during the day

Why am I doing this again??!!

"I've never been a good test taker"

I hear this phrase a lot from people. I've never said it, though. Not to brag, but I've always been a really good test taker! I was one of those people who could "study" by perusing a text book 5 minutes before the exam and get an A. I think for the most part I can still get away with doing that. Though, after the exam I took this week, I'm not so sure. More on that after grades are posted...

Most people dread exams, but if I'm being completely honest, I actually enjoy them. Truly. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think that receiving any kind of evaluation is somehow thrilling to me. Whether it's taking a test, handing in a paper, auditioning for a play, or getting a performance review at work; in all cases, there is nervous anticipation of performing, followed by an individual's critique of your performance and a "score" that tells you exactly how well you did. Let's face it, despite what some people claim, we all care what others think of us. To get a good grade, score, or review is self-affirming. It boosts our egos in a way that other things just can't. On the other hand, there is little more crushing than a bad review.

Some of my most memorable moments- for good or bad- have been related to some kind of evaluation. When I was in 4th grade, I took my first standardized test at school. When I (or my mom?) opened the envelope bearing the results that came in the mail, my heartbeat quickened. Did I do well? Was I smarter than my fellow 9-year-olds or not? How did I measure up? When I found out that I scored in the 99th percentile, I felt AMAZING! Not only was I smart, but I was really smart! Gifted, even! Justified or not, my little head filled with lots of hot air that day. I have experienced the same euphoria after receiving college acceptance letters, other test scores, feedback from teachers ("You are a great writer, Kim!"), and compliments from friends and family who have tasted the meals I've made ("Oh my God, this is so good! You must give me the recipe!") .

Unfortunately, an inflated head can be just as easily deflated with a few unfavorable evaulations. I remember those feelings just as clearly, elicited by rejection letters, low test scores (yes, I've had a few), ignored job applications, and these days unfunded grant proposals.

As a teaching assistant, I am now being exposed to a whole new world of evaluations. I am now providing students with feedback on their assignments regularly, and at the end of the semester... they are evaluating me. Although the university doesn't make TAs do course evaluations, I really wanted to know what the students thought of the discussions and my teaching, so I created one on surveymonkey.com for them to do. I did this last semester, too. I thought I did a much better job this semester, but I still got a mix of responses.

Here are some of the good ones from last semester:

"Kim was able to clear up any confusion about the material presented in
class"

"I liked that you tried to make the discussion groups interactive"

And some of the bad:

"I thought that the discussion was boring at times"

"It seemed like the TA didn't want to be there"

and my favorite:

"It felt like it was a waste of time. Never caught my attention, extremely boring. Kim rarely spoke and when she did she put me to sleep"

Overall, though, most students gave relatively good ratings to some of the statements I asked them to rate how strongly they agreed/disagreed with.

Now this semester, I changed a lot about how I ran the discussions and I felt more confident in front of the classroom, so I was expecting better responses.. and I think the positive ones were MORE positive, but there were still a few comments that were a little rough. And, although the average ratings were slightly higher, there were actually a few more "strongly disagrees." What really shocked me was that 2 people strongly disagreed with the statements "The TA for this class interacts well with students/treats students with respect" and "grades work fairly, consistently, and in a timely manner." Umm.. what?! I know I'm not the best teacher in the world, but I certainly try to treat students with respect. And I was more than fair with grading. The only people who did poorly were the ones who never came to class and didn't put any effort whatsoever into the assignments. I even let them re-do one of the assignments if they didn't like their grade. I guess you really can't please everyone.

Most of the negative write-in comments didn't have much to do with me, but more the assignments (which I didn't come up with), the other students, or the schedule. One student said s/he "felt bad eating a big mac after." I can live with that. But there were two that reflected on me specifically:

"I thought that the actual discussion was not too helpful"

"I thought that the TA was a bit condescending. I understand that many
people in the discussion section were not prepared and didn't seem to care,
but there are some people who do care and are there to learn. I think that
it is the TA's job to treat everyone like an intelligent student."

Yikes! I certainly don't remember doing or saying anything that would have come across as condescending, but I feel horrible that I inadvertently made at least one student feel that way. I think there may have been a couple times where I tried to be funny or something and maybe that was interpreted as being condescending... I don't know but this comment will definitely be in my head for a long time.

On the plus side, there were lots of positive comments that almost make up for that:

"The TA seemed to enjoy the topic and know what she was talking about. She
was very approachable and graded assignments fairly."

"Kim was very compassionate and cared about what she taught. She made things
that were not clear in lecture easier to understand."

"It was always something different. Never the same or boring."

"Discussion was way better and more interesting than class (lecture)."

"Good job Kim. You made the course engaging and a great learning experience
for me."

I am definitely learning a lot from them, too.

The finals are coming!

I don't have time to be witty or come up with some interesting "theme" to discuss at length today, but I thought I should give a little attention to this blog for a change. So, a quick update on what's going on in the life of this PhD students these days. Tomorrow is the last day of classes for the semester. I've already given presentations for 2 classes-one on inositol for the treatment of polycystic ovary syndrome, the other a group presentation on the soy/breast cancer debate, so the only big project I have left to do is a 5-6 page paper which is due Thursday. Unfortunately, I also have my most challenging final on Thursday. I have not started the paper nor have I started studying for the exam. Each task could easily consume the better part of two days, but I only have 1 1/2 days to do both. I'm also trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for the summer class I need to take, without adding to the amount I owe in student loans, which rivals the national debt at this point. On the plus side, though, I really do enjoy (almost) each and every day I am in school. There's nothing I'd rather be doing right now. Well... except maybe being the stay-at-home wife of multimillionaire.

Semester #2: So far, so good!

I think this semester is going to be MUCH better than last semester. For one thing, I have no really long days and will not get home later than 4:30. Here's what my week looks like:

Mondays: TA discussion groups 10:10-11:00 and 11:15-12:05 and DONE
Tuesdays: 3 classes 9:30-2:15 with 2 short breaks
Wednesdays: Home (studying)
Thursdays: Same as Tuesdays
Fridays: Home (work for PRC)

I couldn't imagine a better schedule. At first, I thought that I would prefer getting all my commuting done in 3 consecutive days and having 4 days off, but I think having Wednesday off in between is actually going to be a wonderful thing. It gives me a day to catch up on homework and sleep so I'm not so stressed out and exhausted by the end of the week.

On top of that, 2 of my 3 classes are really interesting and 1 is mildly interesting. This is compared to last semester, where 1 class was really interesting, 1 was very dull, and 1 induced suicidal thoughts.

And things are going just as well with the PRC (Prevention Research Center). I've been working strictly on writing and editing manuscripts (research articles for academic journals) and I LOVE it. Not only does this allow me to acquire publications to add to my resume, but it is intellectually stimulating to boot. I am learning a great deal about the topics of these papers (such as the relationship between cardiovascular disease and diet and the numerous health effects of cocoa), and honing my writing skills at the same time.

And the best part is that I don't even have to get dressed up and drive 30 minutes to Derby to do it! I can either stay in my pajamas and work at my kitchen table, or go to a local coffee shop (Common Grounds in Branford and Panera Bread have become my favorites). I am starting to understand the appeal of a public location as a work site. There is something about the background noise, the music, the aromas, that puts me in a good mood and helps me focus on what I'm doing. I can't help but laugh at myself, though, and recall this scene from Family Guy.